The beginning

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not.  Make it your strength.  Then it can never be your weakness.  Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

This quote is essential what this blog is all about.  I used to hide from the fact that I was a broken man, a convict and a lost soul.  I used to bury that stuff.  I would lie about my background in order not to reveal that I had been to prison and that I dealt with demons in my head on a daily basis.

People have discovered these things about me and used them against me.  Once, while living with a former lover, a neighbor and I had a large falling out.  During this time, the other neighborhood children came  over to the house to lay with my lover's child.  To embarrass me, hurt me, whatever; this neighbor I had a problem with did a lot of research on me.  He found out I was violent felon and had been to prison.  He then shared this information, to include printed out news articles, with the rest of the neighbors in an attempt to hurt me.  If I had only "armored myself in it", it could have never hurt me.

I am by no means proud of where I have been or what I have done, but I am no longer ashamed either.  I've learned that my story can help other Combat Vets that have been down my road.  The same former lover and I were sitting in a bar one night, and discussed the writing of a book of my life to put out and help others.  Maybe this is the start of that process, who knows.

You know, people who hear my story or hear I have PTSD always say "It'll get better", or "You shouldn't have X emotion because of X situation".  You know what I want to ask these people?  "Have you been there?" " When someone is stressing you out, do you imagine there head exploding?" "Have you been to combat?" "Have you been to prison?"  If not, how can you tell me it will get better or how I should feel.  I know these people have good intentions but it's still frustrating. 

This blog will not be a collection of war stories on how I came to have PTSD, nor war stories from prison.  Maybe one day if I publish a book, those things will come out.  What this blog will be is to show that our proud, amazing, and selfless combat vets who are struggling with PTSD are not alone.  This will be a story of how I progress through my recovery efforts.

In a lot of ways, I have already made great strides towards that recovery.  I have discovered I feel best when I am helping others going through what I am.  For this I have decided once I am back on my feet and in a better position, I am going to start a non-profit organization for the support of incarcerated Veterans, formerly incarcerated Veterans, and select non-veterans who are incarcerated or formerly incarcerated.  This is a long term effort and by no means will it be a quick or easy undertaking.  These things I know.