Incarcerated Veterans and Formerly Incarcerated Veterans - another class of Vets

There is a whole other class for Veterans no one ever talks about.  That's the incarcerated and formerly incarcerated Veterans.  These men and women face a whole set of problems of their own.  I understand these problems, because I deal with them on a daily basis.  For a long time, I did not deal positively with these problems.

When I was released originally for prison in Virginia, I transferred my probation down to Jackosnville, FL.  I was employed through a staffing firm, working at BAE Systems within two weeks.  I was amazed and proud.  Everyone told me getting a job was going to be hard now that I was a felon.  I kept telling them BS.  I have such a wide array of skills, I'll find something and I did.  I was working at a Information Technology Technician and was loving the job.  After 90 days, BAE Systems decided to bring me on as a permanent employee vice working through a staffing company.  Well as I filled out the application in the HR department, the question of felony convictions came up.  I explained the the HR person I had told the staffing company about my convictions, and the HR person said no problem; we'll just see how the application comes back from HQ.  Well the next day I was let go.  I had worked there for 90 days.  They were offering me a permanent position and pay raise, and all that got taken away.  90 days with no issues, 90 days and the higher up loved me.  I was devastated.

This became a recurring theme for a long time.  I have been offered several position and they have been taken away due to background checks.  This was crazy to me.  Every time I had to explain my conviction, I was explain it was due to PTSD that the incident occurred and I had served my country for 10+ years, a lot of that time in combat zones.  WTF!

One more story about this.  I saw a job posting at a prominent organization that helps Veterans.  It was for a Systems Analyst position.  By this time, I had put myself through school and received my A+, Network+ and Security+ certifications.  As I sat in the interview, things were going great.  I thought I was a shoe-in.  Here I was with all the right qualifications, on top of that I was a Veteran.  This organization said they could not employ me because I was a violent felon.  Again WTF!  I don't name this organization because I still have a high level of respect for what they do and continue to do.

During times of unemployment, I would go to my probation officer, and ask if there was any resources they knew about.  These are the people that are suppose to work with their cases, work by keeping the community safe (for example making sure convicts have jobs and are not turning to crime).  This was a complete waste of time.  I asked several probation officers about resources for felons to get jobs...all of them told me they didn't know of any.  This is a complete lack of training or apathy on their parts.

I say its apathy primarily and this is why:  I ended up going to jail and prison for a second time.  While I was in, I continuously asked other convicts what they did for work.  My eyes were opened to a whole list of resources and companies (some that even have special programs for people recently released from incarceration).  This dumb-founded me.  Why was it in jail and prison, I learned from other inmates; why didn't I hear of these things from my probation officer.  Good luck doing a google search for places that hire felons.

There are also benefits for companies to hire felons.  A lot of employers will not hire felons, because their insurance companies will not cover them for loss at the felons hands (ie embezzlement, fraud, work place violence, theft).  Well there is a program that provides free federal bonding for any company employing a felon that protects them against those things.  Also, the IRS offers a tax break for companies that hire felons called Work Opportunity Tax Credit.  I learned about all this in prison, when I should have been learning this from my probation officer.

That is the goal of "The Conviction House", the non-profit I am starting up.  I want to use the funds I raise to use towards marketing and educating companies about the 200,000+ Veterans that are incarcerated and multitudes of other that were formerly incarcerated.  These are men and women who have been through some of the best training our nation provides and they are going to have a tough time receiving employment.  Also, if I can get enough funding coming it, I have several businesses I would like to start up which would only employ convicts.

There are so many of us who have had problems with PTSD that have ended up in prison.  All you have to do is google "incarcerated veterans" and read our stories first hand.  Here are the first couple of links that pop up when you google "incarcerated veterans", I have included one of the many stories down when I had my problems as the first link:

http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/08/20/238373/-The-Breaking-of-a-Marine#

http://time.com/2873/a-troubled-marines-final-fight/

http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2013/07/28/from-ptsd-to-prison-why-veterans-become-criminals.html

http://www.businessinsider.com/brad-eifert-18-veterans-kill-themselves-every-day-special-veterans-court-2011-7

The Heart and the Fist

" I shall pass through this world but once.  Any good, therefore, that I can do, or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now.  Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again."

I recently read a book by Eric Greitens called The Heart and the Fist and it reminded me of many things.  Primarily it reminded me that before the bullets, rockets, and bombs started flying; I was a humanitarian.  I traveled to some of the most under privileged places in the world and provided humanitarian services.  Yes, I had a completely different mission for these operations; but when I had the chance to play with the children, assist in the medical clinics and assist in sites that provided food, water and blankets to those affected by war, it was amazing. 

I forgot about those times for a long time not.  They were all over-shadowed by the combat, the pain, the loss, and the grief.  I am now in a place where I can start to open myself back up to those good memories I had of my deployments.

Moreover, this book taught me that just because our service in the military has ended, our service to the nation and to the world as a whole does not have to end.  I challenge all of you that have served our military to get out there and help some today.  Do something everyday that makes this world a little better place.

Help for Veterans

"Here the price of freedom is visible!"

This is the sign at the Hampton VA Hospital permanent living ward.  This is where you can see the cost of freedom on our Vets.  I consider myself lucky not to be in that place or a similar place.  Everyone of us that has been in the belly of the beast was only a hair away from being there.  Many of us have been shot, blown up, and damn near killed.

Some say this nation does not do enough for our Vets.  I call BS at this.  If you just do a search for veteran services or non-profit organizations, there are a ton.  The biggest disconnect from those services is the education process.  They do not do enough to educate Veterans on the benefits / services available to us.  I thought for a long time that because my discharge was characterized "Other than Honorable", that I was ineligible for everything and this just is not true.  It took being in prison and actually sitting down and reading through the VA Handbook for benefits to discover I was eligible for almost every benefit out there.

I think the other thing that hampers many Veterans is there pride.  This was my problem for a long time.  I felt if I asked for help I was less of a man.  This simply is not true.  As a whole, us Veterans need to set aside our pride and ask for help.

My opinions on things often make me unpopular.  For example, while in jail and prison I constantly heard people say how terrible Jacksonville cops were, how terrible VA Beach cops were, how bad the court system was.  I looked at this as people not taking personal responsibilities for their actions.  The same is true of Veterans.  As I sat in orientation last night, one of the Vets who had been here before said this place does not do enough for you.  I believe in places like this, you only get out of it what you put into it.  If you do not have the personal responsibility to make sure you are getting the service you need, then shame on you.  It's the same as being active duty and dealing with the administration department who deals with your pay.  You can not expect that guy / gal behind the desk to take care of your needs.  You have to stay on top of them all the time.  They deal with multitudes of people everyday...what makes you special.

You know the judge told me not long ago..."this country owes you a debt of gratitude, but this court does not owe you anything".  Those were powerful words to me.

Freshly released from Virginia Beach Jail

I was released on 17 Dec 2014.  I was sentenced to serve one year, and not be released until 20 Apr 2015.  I petitioned the judge to release me early so that I may check myself into a Veteran Affairs treatment center for PTSD.

So, at 9pm, I was released.  All I had were the clothes on my back, which was a pair of shorts and a long john shirt, and it was 45 degrees outside in Virginia.  I had no idea what I was going to do.

I proceeded to walk to Wal-Mart, approximately 6-7 miles away.  Now I had been incarcerated for 26 months at this time, and had not moved around that much.  Once I got to Wal-Mart, I must have walked around at least 20 times, just enjoying being free, seeing real people, and generally just baffled on what to do next.  I knew I could not spend from 11 pm until 7 am in Wal-Mart without arousing several suspicions.  I happened upon the night manager and he was doing his rounds.  I began to tell my story and explain the night was cold, I was on the streets and all I had were this pair of shorts to wear.  Through talking with him, he went to the customer service counter and began looking through the returned merchandise of the day.  He found me a pair of sweatpants, a zip up hoodie, and a pair of gloves.  I thanked him profusely and decided it was time to move on.

Not know where else to go at such a late hour, I decided to begin wandering around the streets of Virginia Beach.  I walked endlessly until around 1am.  At this point I am getting extremely cold.  I entered a gas station and asked if they could spare a cup of coffee.  Score!

At this point, the gas station's LED sign was showing a temperature of 37.  I knew at some point I was going to have to get out of the cold.  I also had not eaten since 330 am the following day, because I gave my food away (as tradition states) when I learned I was getting released.  I stopped at a McDonalds, and asked if they had any food to spare.  I was given a 4 piece nugget and small fry.  Perfect enough!

From there I decided to seek shelter from the cold.  I remembered in my wanderings a group of extremely old, abandoned houses.  I figured the wind was blowing from north to south, so I would hole up on the south end of one of the house just to get out of the wind.  Once I arrived at one of the house, I noticed they were all boarded up; however, one had a door that looked like it led to a storage area.  So, I open the door and discover it leads to a cellar of some sort.  Not wanting to go deep into the dark, I sat on the second step and kept the door cracked to watch the sky.  At this point, I know I was about a two hour walk from the probation office.

I waited for the sun to start rising before I started my walk to the probation office.  On my walk, I once again stopped at a gas station and begged for a cup of coffee.  I arrived at the probation office safe, sound and unharmed.

What did I get out of this experience?  A LOT!  I relied on years of training to be self sufficient and survive in a somewhat hostile experience.  I also learned humility while begging for clothes, food, and a warm cup of coffee.  It was an amazing experience which I was blessed with.

Checking into the Veteran Affairs hospital

The probation officer was able to secure a ride for me to get to the VA hospital.  This is where the fun really began for me on a lot of levels.

I hadn't sleep in two days, so I was extremely exhausted.  I had walked miles and miles, and was extremely sore.

For the past 5 months or so, I had been confined in a cell by myself and only let out every three days for a shower.  I was deemed a security risk because I fought with the police shortly after arriving at the jail.  So, now I am around hundreds of people.  They all are talking to me because I am new.  They all walk by and say hello.  After being in prison for two years, particularly a violent prison I was in, I had forgot how normal people acted.  You become accustomed to being anti-social.  So trying to take all this is was overwhelming.  All I wanted to do was be assigned a room and go there and hide.

This was so different than from the first time I was released from prison.  In Virginia prison, things had been relatively safe.  It was like a bunch of guys just living together.  In the Florida prison system, things are a lot different.  Also I was housed at a prison for people taking psych meds.  This camp was extremely violent and volatile at all times.

After being here a couple of days, I am slowly starting to break out of my shell.  I went out to smoke a cigarette and came back inside and there were dogs.  Lots of dogs in the lobby.  WTF???  Turns out they were rescue dogs and therapy dogs with the Southern States Rottweiler Rescue.  I loved it.  But it made me emotional as hell.  Why?  I don't know.  But it's been like that a lot over the past couple of years.  I have been an emotional wreck for whatever reason.  Anyways, I started talking with their photographer (who was extremely gorgeous) and discovered her husband was currently deployed and had dealt with his own issues with PTSD.  Another point of adjusting to regular life, I was continuously looking around like I was doing something wrong for talk with a woman.

Anyways.  This is just the beginning of a long road.

The beginning

"Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not.  Make it your strength.  Then it can never be your weakness.  Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you."

This quote is essential what this blog is all about.  I used to hide from the fact that I was a broken man, a convict and a lost soul.  I used to bury that stuff.  I would lie about my background in order not to reveal that I had been to prison and that I dealt with demons in my head on a daily basis.

People have discovered these things about me and used them against me.  Once, while living with a former lover, a neighbor and I had a large falling out.  During this time, the other neighborhood children came  over to the house to lay with my lover's child.  To embarrass me, hurt me, whatever; this neighbor I had a problem with did a lot of research on me.  He found out I was violent felon and had been to prison.  He then shared this information, to include printed out news articles, with the rest of the neighbors in an attempt to hurt me.  If I had only "armored myself in it", it could have never hurt me.

I am by no means proud of where I have been or what I have done, but I am no longer ashamed either.  I've learned that my story can help other Combat Vets that have been down my road.  The same former lover and I were sitting in a bar one night, and discussed the writing of a book of my life to put out and help others.  Maybe this is the start of that process, who knows.

You know, people who hear my story or hear I have PTSD always say "It'll get better", or "You shouldn't have X emotion because of X situation".  You know what I want to ask these people?  "Have you been there?" " When someone is stressing you out, do you imagine there head exploding?" "Have you been to combat?" "Have you been to prison?"  If not, how can you tell me it will get better or how I should feel.  I know these people have good intentions but it's still frustrating. 

This blog will not be a collection of war stories on how I came to have PTSD, nor war stories from prison.  Maybe one day if I publish a book, those things will come out.  What this blog will be is to show that our proud, amazing, and selfless combat vets who are struggling with PTSD are not alone.  This will be a story of how I progress through my recovery efforts.

In a lot of ways, I have already made great strides towards that recovery.  I have discovered I feel best when I am helping others going through what I am.  For this I have decided once I am back on my feet and in a better position, I am going to start a non-profit organization for the support of incarcerated Veterans, formerly incarcerated Veterans, and select non-veterans who are incarcerated or formerly incarcerated.  This is a long term effort and by no means will it be a quick or easy undertaking.  These things I know.